hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
