Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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