The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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