I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
