as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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