just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
