Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
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