Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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