I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
