I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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