You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
