My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
