woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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