you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
