He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
