Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
