I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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