Got a toothbrush?
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
