I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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