We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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