I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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