First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
