my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
