FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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