I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
