who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize