maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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