I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
