help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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