He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
