Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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