phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
