I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
