Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You need Xanax blowdarts
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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