I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
