I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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