I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
