Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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