i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
