Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
