i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Terrible idea I love it
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
