Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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