walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
