tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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