what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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