Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
