i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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