So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
