Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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