I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
